A Belizean Summer||1.2|| 20 More Days!!

First of all, THANK YOU so much for all the love for my last post! I felt so vulnerable posting those thoughts but am feeling so blessed from the kind comments from everyone.

In other news, there are only 20 days left until I leave for my internship! So crazy. My leave date has always been 'so far in the future' and now it's almost upon me! God is gracious and so so good to me. So thanks again for your kind words. Please continue to pray with me as I wrap up last little details!

||A Belizean Summer||1.1||The Human Inside

Doubts. 

That this is actually where I'm supposed to be in life. That I'm actually supposed to be leaving all I know for an entire summer. That everything will fall into place. That God will provide.

Fears.

That I'm not good enough. That I'm going to fail miserably. That I won't get along with the other staff members. That God will test me harder than I can handle. That I'm not spiritually ready.

This is what I'm struggling with. And believe me, I'm scared to make these things public; my hands are shaking as I type this! Yes, I can hide that I'm terrified. But the truth of the matter is that I feel like my faith is being tested to the extreme right now. I don't feel prepared mentally, physically, or spiritually. And I feel like I just keep shoving down this great big lump of fear but one day I'm not going to be able to push it down anymore and I'm going to fall apart. I know that God's got it under control but the human inside me is completely freaking out. And I guess it really just seems so silly but this is what I know right now.

So is there something wrong with me? Yes, yes there is. It's called I'm Human. I'm going to mess up. I might fail. I will be tested to my limits. But God's got my back and will pick me up when I fall. And I know that.

But I also need to know that it's ok to be scared. And to doubt. And to be human.

The Human Inside

I'm scared of the human I know I am.

That person who never seems to learn.

That person who constantly falls and fails.

That person who makes the same mistakes. 

Over. And. Over. Again.

I'm scared of the human I know I am.

That girl who gets so scared.

That girl who pushes others away unknowingly.

That girl who hides in her room because she doesn't want to mess up

A. Good. Thing.

I'm scared of the human I know I am. 

That child who is so very naive.

That child who doesn't even know who she is some days.

That child who is so hungry for knowledge.

That. She. Doesn't. Know. How. To. Obtain.

I'm scared of the human I know I am.

The human that God created. 

The human that God forgives.

The human God loves.

No. Matter. The. Amount. of. Failures.

||A Belizean Summer|| 1.0 ||The Heartbeat

Belize. Belize. Belize. Belize. Belize.

I feel like that has been pounding in my heart, mind, and soul for the past year and a half or so. I think I always knew I'd go back SOMEDAY but never would've guessed that that 'someday' would be in 42 days from now.

To bring you into the loop a bit better, I traveled with my youth group to Belize for a short-term missions trip with Thirst Missions in the summer of 2012, and again with a smaller group from my church in 2013. During the time we were there we met and deeply connected with the people and church of August Pine Ridge. I loved my time down there; the people are so beyond-your-imagination-KIND, the food is WONDERFUL and the whole country is just beautiful.

Anyhow. So fast-forward to August of 2014. I just didn't understand what God was wanting from me. I was in a decent job but my life felt void of meaning and purpose. So I started asking[begging!?!] Him to show me what He wanted from me. [I'll admit- I wasn't crazy serious about it but every once in a while when I was really feeling purpose-less I would do some more extreme God-searching.] But then in late October/November He showed me in some pretty awesome ways that I needed to apply for an internship with Thirst. So I applied and found out in January that I was accepted!

So what exactly will I be doing? Honestly I'm not exactly sure. :) But my conclusions are this as of now: I will be meeting [some of] the groups that come down during the summer at the airport and then staying with them the duration of their trip, making sure that they have the supplies and water they need, and making sure they arrive safely and on time to the places they need to get to, etc. During my summer, I will be helping to take care of 5 different groups. As of now, I am not certain of many more details but I will definitely try to keep you all posted!! :)

Thank you so much for 'coming with me' on this journey through this blog. It is my goal to keep this updated so you can pray with me as I serve this summer.

August Pine Ridge, Belize 2013