That this is actually where I'm supposed to be in life. That I'm actually supposed to be leaving all I know for an entire summer. That everything will fall into place. That God will provide.
Fears.
That I'm not good enough. That I'm going to fail miserably. That I won't get along with the other staff members. That God will test me harder than I can handle. That I'm not spiritually ready.
This is what I'm struggling with. And believe me, I'm scared to make these things public; my hands are shaking as I type this! Yes, I can hide that I'm terrified. But the truth of the matter is that I feel like my faith is being tested to the extreme right now. I don't feel prepared mentally, physically, or spiritually. And I feel like I just keep shoving down this great big lump of fear but one day I'm not going to be able to push it down anymore and I'm going to fall apart. I know that God's got it under control but the human inside me is completely freaking out. And I guess it really just seems so silly but this is what I know right now.
So is there something wrong with me? Yes, yes there is. It's called I'm Human. I'm going to mess up. I might fail. I will be tested to my limits. But God's got my back and will pick me up when I fall. And I know that.
But I also need to know that it's ok to be scared. And to doubt. And to be human.
This is what I'm struggling with. And believe me, I'm scared to make these things public; my hands are shaking as I type this! Yes, I can hide that I'm terrified. But the truth of the matter is that I feel like my faith is being tested to the extreme right now. I don't feel prepared mentally, physically, or spiritually. And I feel like I just keep shoving down this great big lump of fear but one day I'm not going to be able to push it down anymore and I'm going to fall apart. I know that God's got it under control but the human inside me is completely freaking out. And I guess it really just seems so silly but this is what I know right now.
So is there something wrong with me? Yes, yes there is. It's called I'm Human. I'm going to mess up. I might fail. I will be tested to my limits. But God's got my back and will pick me up when I fall. And I know that.
But I also need to know that it's ok to be scared. And to doubt. And to be human.
The Human Inside
I'm scared of the human I know I am.
That person who never seems to learn.
That person who constantly falls and fails.
That person who makes the same mistakes.
Over. And. Over. Again.
I'm scared of the human I know I am.
That girl who gets so scared.
That girl who pushes others away unknowingly.
That girl who hides in her room because she doesn't want to mess up
A. Good. Thing.
I'm scared of the human I know I am.
That child who is so very naive.
That child who doesn't even know who she is some days.
That child who is so hungry for knowledge.
That. She. Doesn't. Know. How. To. Obtain.
I'm scared of the human I know I am.
The human that God created.
The human that God forgives.
The human God loves.
No. Matter. The. Amount. of. Failures.
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